I want to tell you something that might surprise you, coming from a counsellor.
I used to walk out of my CBT sessions.
Not once. Multiple times.
I never made it to the end of a full six-session course. I would go once, perhaps twice, and then find a reason not to return. The homework would pile up untouched. The worksheets would sit in a drawer. I quietly concluded that CBT was not for me — or that I was somehow too resistant, difficult or broken for it to work.
I carried that story for years.
Then I trained as a counsellor and studied CBT properly: its theory, history, research and the thinking behind it. I learnt about Aaron Beck, the cognitive model, automatic thoughts, behavioural activation, cognitive restructuring and Socratic questioning.
And I eventually realised something important.
My difficult experience did not prove that CBT itself was the problem. The way it was delivered, and whether it fitted what I needed at the time, mattered enormously.
Who Was Aaron Beck?
Aaron Temkin Beck was born in Providence, Rhode Island, in 1921. He became one of the most influential figures in modern psychotherapy and continued contributing to the field until his death in 2021 at the age of 100.
Beck originally trained in psychoanalysis during the 1950s. While researching depression, however, he began finding that some of his observations did not fit the psychoanalytic explanations he had been taught.
He noticed that people experiencing depression often had rapid, habitual thoughts about themselves, their experiences and their future. These thoughts could feel completely convincing even when they were incomplete, unhelpful or inconsistent with the available evidence.
Beck called them automatic thoughts.
His work during the 1960s led to the development of cognitive therapy. This approach became one of the foundations of what is now more broadly known as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT.
Rather than assuming that every difficulty had to be explained by uncovering unconscious material over many years, cognitive therapy invited people to notice their present thoughts, examine the meanings they were assigning to events and consider whether other interpretations might also be possible.
That was a significant change in the way psychological therapy was understood and studied.
What CBT Actually Is — Beyond the Homework
When many people think about CBT, they think about worksheets.
Thought diaries. Mood logs. Behavioural experiments. Homework assignments handed over at the end of a session.
That was certainly my experience. I remember being given sheets to complete and exercises to do between appointments without fully understanding why I was doing them. I did not feel that the person sitting opposite me was particularly interested in understanding me beyond the process being followed.
But the worksheets are not CBT.
They are tools that may be used within CBT. Whether those tools are helpful can depend upon how they are introduced, whether their purpose is understood and whether they fit the person using them.
Good CBT is intended to be collaborative and tailored to the individual. It should involve the therapist and client working together to understand what is happening, agree upon meaningful goals and decide which approaches might be useful.
A worksheet can support that work, but it cannot replace the therapeutic relationship.
The Cognitive Model — How Beck Understood Our Reactions
At the centre of CBT is Beck’s cognitive model.
The model explores how our perception of a situation can influence our emotional, physical and behavioural responses.
Something happens: perhaps a conversation, a mistake, an unanswered message or an unexpected change of plan. An automatic thought or interpretation may then appear, sometimes so quickly that we barely notice it.
That interpretation can influence what we feel and what we do next.
Imagine that a friend does not reply to a message.
One person might think, They are probably busy, and feel relatively unconcerned.
Another might think, They are ignoring me. I must have done something wrong, and begin to feel anxious.
Somebody else might think, Nobody ever prioritises me, and feel rejected or withdrawn.
The unanswered message is the same, but the meaning attached to it is different.
That does not mean our thoughts are the sole cause of every feeling. Our reactions can also be affected by our relationships, previous experiences, physical health, environment, present circumstances and many other factors.
The useful part of the cognitive model is that it gives us another place to become curious. We can notice the thought between the situation and our response and ask whether it is accurate, helpful or the only possible interpretation.
Patterns of Thinking
CBT describes several common patterns sometimes called cognitive distortions. The term does not mean that somebody is deliberately being irrational or dishonest. It describes habitual ways of interpreting experiences that may become unhelpful.
All-or-nothing thinking: Seeing something as either a complete success or a total failure, without recognising anything in between.
Catastrophising: Predicting the worst possible outcome and experiencing it as though it is certain to happen.
Mind reading: Assuming that we know what somebody else is thinking, often without enough evidence.
Personalisation: Taking excessive responsibility for something that may not be entirely—or at all—within our control.
Overgeneralisation: Using one difficult experience to reach a much broader conclusion: This always happens. I never get anything right.
Emotional reasoning: Treating a feeling as proof: I feel worthless, so I must be worthless.
These patterns are not character flaws. They can develop for understandable reasons and may once have helped somebody anticipate danger, avoid rejection or make sense of uncertainty.
CBT invites us to notice them without automatically accepting them as facts.
Socratic Questioning — Curiosity Rather Than Correction
One of the parts of CBT I value most is Socratic questioning.
The name comes from the tradition associated with the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates, in which questions and dialogue are used to examine ideas rather than simply telling somebody what they should believe.
Within CBT, Socratic questions can help a person explore an automatic thought with curiosity.
What evidence supports this thought?
Is there any evidence that does not fit it?
Am I treating a possibility as though it is a certainty?
Is there another way of understanding what happened?
What might I say to a friend who was thinking this about themselves?
If the feared outcome happened, how might I cope with it?
The purpose is not for the therapist to prove that the client is wrong. It is a collaborative process in which the thought can be examined instead of being either obeyed or dismissed.
Sometimes the thought will turn out to be inaccurate. Sometimes it may contain some truth but still be incomplete or unhelpful. Sometimes the person is facing a genuine real-world problem, in which case the work may involve coping, problem-solving or deciding what action is possible.
This is why warmth, collaboration and genuine interest in the person matter. Questions asked mechanically can feel like an interrogation. The same questions asked with sensitivity can create room for reflection.
What Was Missing in My Sessions
When I look back at the CBT sessions I left, I can describe what felt absent for me.
I did not understand the purpose behind the work. The sessions felt rigid and impersonal. The homework arrived without enough context, and I did not feel sufficiently understood as an individual.
I cannot know everything that was happening for the therapist, and it would be unfair to make a definitive judgement about their competence or intentions. What I can say is that the delivery and therapeutic fit were wrong for me at that time.
CBT delivered collaboratively, with warmth, curiosity and an individual understanding of the client, can be enormously valuable. Its evidence base is extensive, and it has been studied across a wide range of mental and physical health difficulties.
But no therapeutic model works simply because its techniques have been placed in front of somebody.
The relationship matters. The explanation matters. Timing matters. The person’s needs, preferences and circumstances matter.
The therapy was not necessarily the problem.
The way I experienced its delivery was.
CBT and My Integrative Approach
As an integrative counsellor, I draw upon more than one therapeutic approach.
Person-centred and humanistic principles sit at the heart of how I work, with ideas from CBT, existential therapy and other approaches brought in when they may serve the person sitting in front of me.
What I value most about CBT is its invitation to become curious about our thinking.
A thought can feel true without being the complete truth. A familiar interpretation can be understandable without being the only interpretation available. Noticing that difference can create space in which something new becomes possible.
This does not mean telling people to think positively or suggesting that they have caused their own suffering through incorrect thoughts.
It means exploring, together, what is happening and considering whether a belief is accurate, balanced and helpful within the reality of that person’s life.
We cannot always change what happens to us.
We may, however, be able to understand more clearly what we have come to believe about it—and decide what we want to do next.
“If our thinking is bogged down by distorted symbolic meanings, illogical reasoning, and erroneous interpretations, we become, in truth, blind and deaf.”
If You Have Had a Difficult Experience With CBT
If you have previously left CBT sessions, avoided the homework or concluded that the approach did not work for you, that experience is valid.
It may mean that CBT was not the right approach for you. It may mean that it was offered at the wrong time, in the wrong format or without the relationship and explanation you needed. It may also mean that a different therapist or another form of counselling would suit you better.
There is no single therapy that fits everybody.
The most important thing is finding support in which you feel listened to, respected and able to participate in decisions about the work.
This article reflects my personal experience and professional opinion. It is not a substitute for individual mental health support. If you are struggling, please speak to your GP or an appropriately qualified professional.
If you would like to explore what counselling that fits you might look like, you can find more information at keithgumbrell.co.uk. Our first conversation can be an informal opportunity to ask questions and consider whether working together feels right.
Keith Leonard Gumbrell is a qualified Integrative Counsellor, author and workshop facilitator. He works remotely with adults across the UK through telephone and video counselling.
References
Beck, A.T. (1976) Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. New York: International Universities Press.
Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior Therapy (n.d.) Understanding CBT. Available at: https://beckinstitute.org/about/understanding-cbt/
Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior Therapy (n.d.) Dr Aaron T. Beck. Available at: https://beckinstitute.org/about/dr-aaron-t-beck/
