Why Self-Regulation Matters in the Counselling Room

When we think about regulation in counselling, our attention may naturally turn towards the client.

We might notice a change in someone's breathing, a shift in their voice, tension in their body or perhaps a period of silence. Someone may describe feeling anxious, overwhelmed or disconnected.

There can be many ways of understanding these experiences, and their meaning will always be individual to the person experiencing them.

But there is another part of the therapeutic relationship that can sometimes be interesting to consider.

What might be happening for the counsellor?

After all, there are two people in the counselling room — and both arrive with their own experiences, histories and responses.

What do we mean by regulation?

Regulation doesn't necessarily mean being calm all of the time.

Human beings experience changes in emotion, attention and bodily state throughout everyday life. Feeling anxious or uncomfortable doesn't automatically mean that something has gone wrong.

One perspective we can bring to counselling is an awareness of the nervous system and the ways our bodies may respond to experiences of safety, uncertainty or perceived threat.

This can offer another lens through which we might become curious about what is happening in the therapeutic space.

Rather than asking only:

“What is this person thinking?”

we might sometimes wonder:

“What might they be experiencing?”

And perhaps there is another question alongside it:

“What am I noticing in myself?”

The counsellor is part of the relationship too

Counselling asks us to pay close attention to another person's experience.

Yet being professionally present doesn't mean that we stop being human.

There may be moments when we notice something happening within ourselves.

Perhaps a particular silence feels different.

Perhaps we notice an urge to reassure.

Maybe we become aware of tension, uncertainty or a desire to find the "right" thing to say.

None of these observations necessarily tells us what they mean.

And perhaps that's the interesting part.

Rather than immediately interpreting or judging our response, we can become curious about it.

Why did I notice that?

Does this response feel familiar?

Is there something here that I might want to reflect upon or take to supervision?

Our awareness of ourselves may offer another source of information — without assuming that our experience tells us what is happening for the person sitting opposite us.

What about co-regulation?

Another idea that can be interesting to explore is co-regulation.

Counselling takes place within a relationship, and people may respond to aspects of how another person is present with them — perhaps their pace, tone of voice, attention or willingness to remain alongside something difficult.

That doesn't mean there is a particular way a counsellor should behave in order to make somebody feel safe.

Safety itself is individual.

What feels reassuring to one person might feel very different to another.

It does, however, raise an interesting question:

What might our presence contribute to the therapeutic space?

And alongside that:

How aware are we of our own state while we're sitting with somebody else?

These are some of the questions that led me to become increasingly interested in regulation — not simply as something to recognise in clients, but as something worth considering within ourselves as practitioners too.

Do we always need to fill the silence?

Silence provides a good example.

One person might experience silence as an opportunity to think or feel.

Another might find it uncomfortable.

And the counsellor can have a response to silence too.

There may be times when we notice an urge to fill it, perhaps by asking another question or offering something to move the conversation forward.

What might happen if, instead of immediately acting on that urge, we simply noticed it?

Not because remaining silent is automatically the "correct" response.

But because our reaction may give us something interesting to reflect upon.

Sometimes the question isn't:

“What should I do?”

It might simply be:

“What am I noticing?”

Regulation doesn't end when the session does

There is another part of this conversation that interests me.

Counsellors may spend significant amounts of time listening to experiences involving grief, fear, trauma, uncertainty, change and loss.

Different practitioners may experience that work in very different ways.

So perhaps reflection on regulation doesn't need to stop when the client leaves the room or the online session ends.

We might also become curious about what helps us transition between sessions.

What do we notice ourselves carrying?

What helps us feel present again?

What role might supervision, reflection, boundaries, rest or our own support systems play?

There doesn't need to be one universal answer.

The question itself may be valuable.

Perhaps curiosity is the starting point

Learning about the nervous system can give us useful concepts and language.

But perhaps one of its most interesting contributions to reflective practice is something much simpler:

curiosity.

Curiosity about the person sitting opposite us.

Curiosity about the relationship developing between us.

And curiosity about ourselves.

Not:

“This is what is happening.”

But:

“I wonder what might be happening here?”

That small difference matters.

Because the aim isn't necessarily to interpret every bodily sensation, silence or emotional response.

Sometimes noticing something is simply an invitation to reflect.

So perhaps there's one question worth taking away:

When something changes in the counselling room, what do you notice — in the other person, in the relationship, and in yourself?

Exploring the idea further

These questions form part of the thinking behind The Regulated Self, my seven-hour self-paced CPD course for counsellors, coaches and helping professionals.

The course explores nervous-system awareness, regulation and co-regulation alongside practitioner presence, reflection and our own relationship with regulation — with opportunities throughout to pause and consider what the ideas might mean within your own practice.

If that has sparked your curiosity, you can find The Regulated Self in The CPD Corner at Your Corner.